Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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