I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
All the doctor said was why
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
