Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Did you pee in the oven last night??
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
