did you get engaged???
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
