drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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