i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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