im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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