In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
