Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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