Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
