he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
