Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
