so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
