walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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