New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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