you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
