apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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