I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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