i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
