you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
third nipple confirmed
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
