The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Randomize
