She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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