Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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