She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
