My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
