No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just blew my weed a kiss
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
