Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Randomize
