I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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