I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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