Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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