Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
