i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
