Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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