last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Your cock deserves a montage
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
