Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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