apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
