It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just gift wrapped bread.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
