but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Everclear isn't food dammit
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
