im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
