Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
