if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
He kissed a someone with a penis
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Randomize
