you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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