I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
