Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
