I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Randomize
