Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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