ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
