what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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