at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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