I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
