we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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