My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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