Ketchup is God's man juice
is wine microwaveable?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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